I have demons in me.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
