i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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