I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
