you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
