I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
