goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just gargled with NyQuil
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