she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm really busy with my period
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