I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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