I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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