thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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