I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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