Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
