so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
