Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
