Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
