apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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