Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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