if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Jerry, you need to find god
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
