have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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