Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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