I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she told me i tasted like america
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
