I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
