I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
