All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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