there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
