My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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