Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
