my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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