I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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