OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
