just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
