Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
