Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
