Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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