It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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