Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
