Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
