I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
