New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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