So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
