The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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