I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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