Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
