google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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