That's when you crack a 10am beer
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
