I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
