eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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