Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
