it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
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