I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Everyone says I win the strip club
so much tequila, so little girl.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize