I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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