Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
