I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
my poor anus
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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