I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
