My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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