That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
