Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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