Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
