P.S. I can't hear my feet
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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