im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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