I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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