so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
